You’re Not a Monkey When You’re Stoned!

The title to this piece is something that randomly popped into my head when I was Occult ganj-i-tating a few months back. I wrote it down on my Facebook page (friend me for strangeness) and ultimately just dismissed it as a funny song title idea until the next few weeks found me catching up on Mad Men. Of course! With weed laws loosening and legal weed a reality in my home state of Washington, we’re going to need some slick marketing copy to make this stuff the center of our economy (as it rightfully should be), and who better to do that than a chronically stoned super freak like me? “You’re Not a Monkey When You’re Stoned.” What a great tag line (pot marketing people, call me), but Christ, you really don’t need a hypnotic tag line to sell this stuff. As I’ve found out first hand as a small time dealer, shit basically sells itself.

Here’s why. Life is bullshit, pot can help! Man, that’s another great one. Someone should really hire my ass here because I could just keep going with these. But seriously, chances are, if you’re not among the supremely wealthy minority of privileged fucks running things, you probably have to work a day job that makes you want to blow your brains out a lot of the time. See, life is bullshit. I have no idea what the architects of this reality were thinking with all that, but the good news is that pot can take you far far away from everything, really fucking quick. It’s the same reason I’d never bet against alcohol sales. Our entire wage slave society might as well be a means to ratchet up the demand for the drug markets, and sure, you could always just keep running with alcohol, but let’s just explore some of the more exotic benefits increasingly socially acceptable weed can offer your boring life.

Weed is a Sex Intensifier

This is the big one that’s never seemed to make it into the mainstream dialogue on the topic. I’ve never seen a cover of Cosmo that says, “Amazing sex tips that’ll drive your man wild. Roll him a blunt and then fuck him.” The reason is obvious. Our current religions all basically preach a rigid path of concise sexual morality as a means of ascension to the higher realms. Occultists like Austin Osman Spare were trying to tell us the exact opposite. Because of the difficulty involved with getting research on weed done for the last say 40 years, you don’t often see people openly saying things like, “pot’ll make your orgasms better, grandson” on television but that’s what it fucking does. In one 1968 study 73 percent of pot smokers rated its ability to improve sexual enjoyment as the primary reason they smoked it (I got that stat from the Robert Anton Wilson book Cosmic Trigger II, just for the record). Every time I see someone getting high in the movies or on TV, they’re instantly running for the snacks. Well, that’s a safer stereotype, but not nearly as, you know, sexy.

We’re trying to market this stuff right? How about this testimonial. Having an orgasm while I’m high is roughly a hundred times more intense than when I’m sober or drunk. I actually sort of black out for a bit and find myself briefly lost in a colorful dissociative bliss. I’m not just saying that to sell bags, it’s entirely true. It is for most pot enthusiasts I’ve known throughout the years. God, think about how much fucking cash Viagra rakes in and how much money porn makes. If you can get these studies done and fast, the demand for pot’s going to sky rocket. I can’t wait to see these ads because they’re going to rule.

Now, there’s also a danger in this. Being a guy, you’re already pumped up with constant testosterone surges which make you unreasonably sex obsessed at times, and smoking pot just kind of fuels that obsession. Now this can be an issue when…err…you got me. We live in a culture where half our tax dollars are going to the war machine and most people seem entirely comfortable eating and drinking themselves into oblivion. Maybe being a bit more sex obsessed isn’t such a bad thing. Another way of putting that would be, You’re Not a Monkey When You’re Stoned!

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